I have not updated this blog in quite some time. I fell off the face of the Earth. I actually wrote a long post a few weeks ago, but never posted it. I am glad that I didn’t because I am in a completely different frame of mind now.
Today marks 4 months that my dad has been gone. It is the first “monthly milestone” in which I haven’t bitten anyone’s head off or sat in my car and sobbed. In fact, I am smiling today. The post I didn’t publish was all about how angry I was and how pissed I was that my dad is not here with me. I am sure I will still have angry days in the future, but they are no longer my constant. Do I miss my dad? Sure, every day. Am I sad that I can’t pick up the phone and call him or give him a hug? You bet. Do I wish he could be here to see my kid’s grow up? Absolutely! But, I no longer wish to focus on all of that. Dad visited me in a dream last week and he told me that he was okay and that I would be too. For some reason, that moment seemed to change the way I looked at his death. I would definitely prefer for him to be here with us, but I cannot bring him back. I am going to choose to focus on these things:
- I was beyond blessed to have a wonderful father–and grandfather to my kids.
- I know my dad loved me and was proud of me.
- Dad instilled in me his love of music…and we will always have that connection.
- I know he is with me every day.
- I know I will see him again.
So, it’s been 4 months and I am doing okay.